This I Believe Final

Guards Built Higher Than Ever

Trust. We know it, we're aware of it, and we hold it with all our might - either with someone or ourselves. They have the saying "Love all, trust a few, and do wrong to none." We only trust those who have proven themselves, keeping our biggest secrets and hiding our biggest lies. We trust those who are there to listen when we're screaming for help, those who offer a shoulder to lean on when we're in distress. For some of us, we consider them as our best friends. Some people trust anyone they come across, and others have their guards built up and only trust a few, maybe even none. As for me, I was never one to believe in  "best friend" relationships, never letting my guards down and never opening up to anyone - but it wasn't until last year that I started believing in something called "trust" and "best friends."

Growing up in a small private school, I had no one to consider a true "best friend." I found a few good, trustworthy individuals here and there but I was soon "replaced" by someone better or my secrets were used against me as a form of revenge. Because of this, I trusted no one. See, "trust" was a word that roamed around everywhere. It was all around me. I saw it between people, felt it between many others - but me.  I was always the one who was considered the odd ball because I didn't know anything. I would sit on the side amongst my circle of friends as I observe them putting their hands by their ears and covering their mouths, glancing over at certain people and sharing a few giggles. Let's say, I was definitely a "curious" one, constantly wondering "What's going on?" "Who are they talking about?" Yet sometimes I was the one who was the topic of conversation. And this wasn't in a good way.

My guards were always at its highest point. It's like every one had someone to run to. I didn't. I would constantly wish that I could be one of those who could share anything and everything with their "best friend." Someone whom they could truly trust. But as months and days passed, it was sooner than I knew that nothing would happen. It was nearing the end of my middle school career and I thought "we're all parting our separate ways anyway, right?" I felt useless. It felt useless. I was waiting for nothing. It was like a lost dog waiting to get cared and loved by someone, somewhere, somehow, but no one came to the rescue. 

I came to a public high school and only knew a few. Everyone and everything was different. It was like going to a whole new universe, not knowing where you're headed to and feeling uncertain with everything around you. It didn't take me long to get used to it, though. Once again I roamed around, hopefully finding a group of friends who I would love. I met a few people here and there and for some I felt a bond yet for others I didn't. Though I've always heard the belief that you should trust no one in high school, I didn't really let that affect me, branching out to different people. Months flew by and it wasn't until toward the end of that year that my whole perspective of "trust" and "best friends" had taken a 180 degree turn. I don't know how it happened or why it happened, but fate led me and 6 other individuals together. It came out of nowhere but of course I had my guards up. I didn't want the same thing to happen to me again where I put my full trust in someone, but they end up using it against me and later disappear from my life. I made sure that I would prevent that from happening, but my instinct reassured me this isn't history that's about to repeat itself. 

As nerdy as it may sound, everything started with a video we all produced just for fun. Although they may be 2 years older than me, it's as if at that moment everything had clicked, somewhat like puzzle pieces finally coming together. We all had something in common, something that I had never found with anyone else, not even in middle school; photography and video making. We loved working with cameras, either if we were behind it or in front of it. We would laugh at the dumbest jokes and talk about the stupidest things. Months passed, my guards we're gradually lowering, and we grew closer and became more comfortable with each other. We would send the ugliest pictures via Kik and I could embarrass myself in front of them, knowing that they won't judge me without a doubt. Back in middle school, I couldn't do these things; not because I was shame, but because I would always get judged. I got to know their stories and they got to know mine. We understood each other and the situations we went through. I knew I could count on them, and I hope they knew they could count on me. As we grew closer and closer, a sense of trust gradually grew. They were different from what I expected high schoolers to be, and more so different from how my private school classmates really were. I could trust them, giving me a peace at mind. It felt different.. like I could actually be myself and feel in place. 

It's been a year since this turn of events. I'm now a sophomore and they're now seniors. Don't get me wrong, but I've had doubts and second thoughts on if private school were about to repeat itself - if they were just another one of those who are bound to walk out with no reason to do so. Like every other relationship, we went through rigid battles yet still managed to stitch it up. We've overcame many difficulties with our hands locked in each others, sticking together and guiding one another through everything we come across. Although we've only known each other for not as long as other friendships, I can say that they're my backbone to life, my strongest support system. They've impacted me in so many ways words can't even explain. They've picked me up during times where I've hit rock bottom.  They didn't exclude me like how it was before I came to high school. They've helped me discover who I am. They made me feel like I'm actually worth something. They're the 3rd greatest thing in life, following God and my family. I'm glad to say I can "trust" and call them my "best friends" - words that didn't take a role in my life until they came along.

But yes, I've heard the question many times. The question that haunts me 'till this day. The question that saddens me a little every time I get asked. "What are you gonna do once they graduate?" "Who are you gonna hang out with?" "Who's gonna be your best friends?" They're ready to flip to the next chapter in their life and I am fully aware of that. I'll admit, I'm unsure of what I'm gonna do. But I'll tell you that I trust that this isn't a friendship that's gonna end when they graduate. I will defy my past and prove to myself that this is different, something that will last forever. We've been through hell and back, and I know that no one and nothing will ever come between us. Though even when they part, I trust that fate will bring us all together somehow, like how it did when we all first met. I only have a few moments left to cherish with them, my best friends, and this I believe that when you take chances, let your guards down and allow people in, something great will happen.